Going back to work or class the Monday after Thanksgiving is tough. Alarm clock rings, you rub that white gunk off the side of your mouth, and you have to look at yourself in the mirror with all of your new “holiday weight” that you know is only gonna get worse with Christmas and New Year’s just around the corner. So here to help you forget the pain that is Cryyourselftosleepber Cyber Monday is a quick list of if NFL Coaches were Thanksgiving food.
Bill Belichick: Turkey
It’s not Thanksgiving/NFL without him. While he’s bland and boring and you probably don’t want any more of him than just a bit, he’s the face of the NFL and iconic in the sport.
Pete Carroll: Seafood
Not a lot of people have seafood at their Thanksgiving, if so it’s usually an appetizer of shrimp or maybe scallops, because you know that it’s weird. There’s just something off, similar to a successful college coach in the NFL. You could say Pete Carrol has a “fishy” (I put in quotation so everyone knows that the pun was absolutely intended) past with USC and the scandals that he left behind, but that doesn’t seem to affect a lot of people’s love of Pete. Much like the shrimp and scallops, you probably love or hate him.
Mike McCarthy: Ham
Not even creative. Dude looks like a ham.
John Harbaugh: Squash
His brother, the pumpkin, is sooo much better. Everyone loves pumpkin pie and even hold back on the main course because it’s constantly in their head. Yet John is like runny squash that I don’t really want on my plate. He has won a super bowl so you have to respect him and keep him around, but I’m sure that the Ravens are gonna start wondering why they still have him soon (much like how I wonder why we still eat squash)
Ron Rivera: Fried Turkey
You’re either gonna get a fantastic meal/team or burn your house down. There is no in between with Ron Rivera’s teams: It’s super bowl or bottom of the worst conference in the league.
Andy Reid: Gravy
One of the best coaches out there so long as you surround him with tools like Alex Smith. You would never drink gravy by itself and we saw in Philadelphia that you can’t leave Andy Reed on his own. But everyone loves both because they make things that are just okay so much better.
Rex Ryan: Sweet Potato Casserole
Both try so hard to be healthy: Rex got that surgery and a sweet potato is inches from being a damn vegetable. Yet, one thing leads to another and you have multicolored mini marshmallows on your plate during dinner. They aren’t really healthy or detrimental for you, but you know that they aren’t likely to be your favorite any time soon.
Chip Kelly: Green Bean Casserole
It looks so exiting from the outside but is actually awful. Anything made with Funyuns or any coach that created Oregon’s unbelievable offense must be great, but actually both miss the mark by huge margins. Once you dig deeper and the magic of the top layer is gone, they’re pretty much useless.
Marvin Lewis: Green Beans
No one cares. Next.
Chuck Pagano: Cranberry
You’ll put a little cranberry on your plate because you feel bad, but the stuff sucks. It’ll stay on your plate for much too long and you’ll probably end up eventually getting rid of it. Cranberry is sweet and means well, but there are far better options.
Jeff Fisher: Rolls
Strong and tough. Dude seems like he’s the king of going .500 and always having a sturdy team that will never be good but never be bad. Never had a fantastic roll in my life, but never had one that I necessarily hated either.
Mike Tomlin: Mashed Potatoes
Always strong teams coming from Tomlin. Yeah he’s been known to have a bad year here and there, but the man almost never misses a beat when it comes to being competitive with the other teams around him. If you can only fit five foods on your plate, mashed potatoes comes in fourth or fifth for almost everyone. If you had to pick top five coach, Tomlin is probably fourth of fifth.
Jack Del Rio: Liquor
Things are about to get crazy! Always a wild card when it comes to Jack and things usually get out of hand fast. Whether that means running the Jaguars into the ground or bringing the Raiders back from the dead, Jack does things quick and takes them all the way. The only problem is that you don’t know which you’re gonna get until it’s too late.
Jason Garrett: Politics
GET THE F!#@ OUT OF HERE NOBODY LIKES YOU