Greetings and welcome to this year’s Tiger Woods’ Career Memorial Herniated Disc Awards! I’ll be your host this evening. Our nominees this year are Texans player Mr. Justin James Watt, Clipper Mr. Brice Johnson, and late arrival Patriots player Mr. Rob Gronkowski. Let’s get a better look at some of our nominees shall we?
JJ Watt originally herniated a disc in his back last season, continuing to play with this injury, a broken hand, and an injured groin like the warrior he thinks he is. After missing half of the season, he had surgery this past offseason, but re-herniated it in September. He rapidly took to twitter, The Players Tribune, and any other source who would listen to how tough he was. While this may hinder his future performance, I doubt that he’ll let us know and will hide his injury to the best of his ability. He’ll be back to flipping tires and posting outrageous Instagrams in no time. On to Brice.
Brice is a herniated disc rookie, with this being his first herniation. Brice Johnson was a key part of UNC’s run to the championship game last April. He has hops that create Vine-worthy blocks and was a great first round pick by the Clippers. While Brice isn’t getting surgery, his disc is for sure herniated and his back is definitely janked up. If you were to look for Brice’s reaction to his injury on twitter, which occurred on October 8th, you’d be shocked to find that he actually never mentioned the injury. This is vastly different from JJ Watt who has “written” (if you wish to call any work of JJ Watt’s “writing”) an article detailing his injury in roughly exactly 1,891 words. Brice is a rookie in the NBA and a rookie to the herniated disc game, but he is definitely in contention for this honor. He will of course have trouble beating the “Herniated Disc King”, however, Mr. Rob Gronkowski.
This is actually Rob’s THIRD herniated disc, making him a veteran in the herniation world. He missed his 2009 season at the University of Arizona due to his first herniated disc, then re-aggravated the injury in 2013; single handedly costing the New England Patriots a Super Bowl victory by not being at full strength. Gronk’s 2016 season ended Friday after undergoing his third corrective surgery as well. While JJ Watt is all over ESPN, Rob doesn’t get nearly as much attention so you may not know who he is. Let me assure you however, a lot of people say he’s as good of a player as JJ, and some even say that he may perhaps be better. This will surely come as a blow to the Patriots, but they should be used to playing without him seeing that he seemingly does this every year.
So who will it be? The attention seeking Defensive Player of the Year, the rookie, or the meathead who’s probably upset he can’t be the 69th runner up. (Slowly opens envelope) The winner is … Rob Gronkowski! I guess actually being a key part to his team is what put him over the edge. Thanks for tuning in, and we’ll see you next year.