So apparently Easter came twice this year. Today was the first day that I woke up with perfect prayer hands, mumbling praises to Sam Darnold (blessed be thy right arm). Last night, the greater New York area cowered as Lucifer and his shitty comb-over hair slithered to the podium in Dallas, Texas. Still scarred by the mortal sins of Vernon Gholston and Quinton Coples, Jets fans expected the plague.
Instead, for the second time this year, Jesus roundhouse kicked the boulder sealing his tomb, flipped his luxurious hair, and saved an entire religion/franchise. Sam Darnold is here. And he’s here to stay. I tend to exaggerate at times, so I’ll be conservative in my expectations for the 20 year-old, California dreamboat with the grit of Bobby Boucher and talent of Jason Street (pre-paralysis). Nothing can derail a career quicker than lofty expectations and a below-average supporting cast.
So here’s three reasons why Sam Darnold will be a four-time MVP and five-time Super Bowl champion:
1. Great hair
What a head of lettuce. It flips with the best of them. That’s not going anywhere. The Sam Darnold Jet fans will grow to love will not be bald. Mark my words.
Humanitarian, friend, and role model. Enough said.
3. Sex Appeal
*See reason one (Great Hair)